Friday, August 8, 2008

Crazy Nina


Two days after Nessa’s death, my friends Delaine and Becky came all the way from Illinois to visit me. Their horse D’Amigo is doing well on our Bess’ Choice herbal for the Cushings horse. They wanted to meet me in person as we had talked only on the phone.

I have concluded that in the event of the death of one of my horses something odd happens to me. Though I know I’m doing and saying things that might be strange, I can’t seem to stop myself of “fix my problem.” I know that sounds vague as I’m not sure exactly what I’m trying to say.

I used to think it was as if “who I am” is shattered like a piece of glass, but that’s not exactly accurate. It’s more like a drop of mercury. It spatters in all different directions, but gradually, bit by bit, the drops are rounded up until it all becomes whole again. The spattered bits of personality and spirit eventually become the reasonably sane and sensible being that is me again. I guess it’s some kind of coping mechanism. We all probably have a form of it.

Throughout Nessa’s six weeks of illness I found myself feeling very calm. Maybe Nessa herself had a bit to do with that. She just wouldn’t let me worry about her. Or, it could have been the peace of Jehovah that excels all thought.

Maybe the loss of her spiritual help made me spatter after her death. Who knows?

I just want to apologize to Delaine, Becky, and all others who had to deal with me at that time. My drop of mercury is me again.

Nina

P.S. Delaine and Becky, I hope you still managed to have a good time. So sorry again. It was just too soon for met to cope with life as normal, though I did try very hard for you. Postponing my grief took its toll.

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